This Is Difficult

No matter how wealthy, powerful, pleased, proud and satisfied, you loose without God. We win. We have God.

How does that statement make you feel?

Every Soul Matters To God. Even his.

I was uncomfortable.

Somewhere in the Bible there's a part about being unmoved watching others never knowing Jesus. Something about not seeking to introduce the lost to Christ. Which is about the best way I can think of to worship and honor God. Service to God service to others. Service to God.

I have found that the desire to serve God does not ensure that we will be successful. I fail.
All the time. My desire is strong, the hard part for me how? I would love seeing a billboard on I-30 saying how to do it right in 30 days, 1-800-NO1Fail.

I am struggling. I am anxious, exhausted and sustained. I am in the position that I must trust Him to survive this.

I have never had elevated expectations of myself. I was and am , to a degree, still painfully shy, introverted, awkward. I had and have still low self esteem and struggle to find purpose. To know me ten years ago it would have been obvious. Today not so much. I struggle still but I have Jesus. The difference between fright, misery, and fear and knowing the Truth, Grace and Hope that relationship with Christ produces.

I've been a Christ follower for five years and a Christ "knower" since 1973. I was 12. I knew Jesus but to do all those things seemed impossible. Church was no fun. Every week i was going to hell. So I played so hard the other six days just in case I went to hell on the 7th. That's how I remember it anyways. The best part of Church was when the Preacher give that last long prayer I'd slip outta Mom, Dad and my pew and ease up to Grandma and Grandpa's. As soon as the preacher reached the front doors and said amen me and Grandpa split out the side door, get in his Doodle Bug as he called it and headed to Grandma's and his house. We was fixin to eat. This forced Mom and Papa to come too. Genius.

I have learned that the period of time between knowing the name of Jesus and following Jesus is often a long time . I wonder if there is purpose in that statistic? Is it possible that we are (for lack of a better word) numb to the extreme urgency which we are in simply because Jesus is just a word to us? To the others? How can we communicate or reveal the most real, pursuing danger, evil that seeks to destroy us that is effectively invisible to the very peoples we desire to reveal it to?

I have been trying to hang onto pride. The only way to lose my pride is to tell the truth about me. The most difficult part of faithful is in the moment. It is a battle and takes effort and I am weak. Once saw things about life a much different way than today. Today there is hope. I never knew what hope was it was till I run up on it. Never knew what to truly believe in anything until I saw the intervention of my God begin in my life and has never yet stopped. There is a seamless presence of God in my life. I believe. it is such a change from being who I was once.

I want so badly to tell to others exactly what God has done to my my life. I am not good at knowing how to do that. I mean there's the story. Its a long one. I told you God showed up in my poor, broken existence and He changed my world. Its the best story in the world to me cause its how I surrendered to Christ. Surrender daily is the key. Gotta have a gonna serve Christ attitude and God does the rest, guaranteed.

The Bible promises in Psalms 34:18 The lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. As for myself, that pretty much sums me up. The deeper I look in me the greater the need for Jesus. Then I find it harder to serve Him because of me. It seemed as at the very moment I began a life with Christ. It ain't like it was. Life has become a montage of obstacles, traps. snares, pitfalls, distractions, temptations and shinny things. It really is hard to see a great volume of of the presence and reverence to Christ when I stand and look around. Here there's the Slick and Polished for me. If I am committed to follow Christ, and I am struggling and the Bible tells us plainly that we should have expected it, read the Book. I figure most others are also.

Lord I feel pressured, inadequate and fearful. I need your help dealing with everything that has come against me. I know your word says I am . I love you. I worship you. My only desire is to serve you. I need that strength of Jesus today. I need your presence and peace.