Selfish or Servant

I was on the way to pick my son up from school a few days ago. It was a Wednesday. I knew that after picking him up I would go to  pick up his sister from another school. She is a year ahead of him. I also knew I was frustrated. I had not been to Wednesday night church in a long time. We only have one vehicle and on Wednesday night it is my responsibility to take the kids to the church here in town . On Wednesday nights this local church had a 200-300 student service. All the kids know one another and to watch them worship and sing and raise their hands in praise to the Lord is beyond awesome. There is no Wednesday night service for adults at the local church. Students only. I go to church in North Little Rock. The First Assembly Of God North Little Rock. It is a forty minute drive from here in Conway. I've been going there since Christ saved my life almost seven years ago. There was a time when I was there every day the doors were open. I love being in church. I love to feel the closeness to God. I greedily want to learn His Word. Absorb the teaching. If you've read my other blog posts you know I'm an addict. Worse kind bar none. When Christ rescued me I became addicted to Him. I cannot get enough.

That Wednesday night by best friend was preaching at my church in North little Rock. I was so self possessed that I actually felt resentment that I have to take the kids to church, come home, wait then go get them and deliver the extra kids that always come with ours and then deliver the extras and  get home around 9pm.

That night after bringing the kids home, ready for bed I lay down and just let myself feel everything that was in turmoil within me. As I lay there I felt so horrible. How could I feel so selfish as to feel left out. I actually felt left out of going to church because I was taking my kids and other kids to church. i was so angry at my selfish self. I prayed and asked God to forgive me for feeling my church experience was more vital to me that ensuring that my kids and the others that so look forward to going to church every Wednesday.

Crying and humiliated, ashamed of my selfishness I looked to the Bible for comfort and this is what I found.  Proverbs 11:30 The fruit of the righteous is the tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise.

II Corinthians 4:15 For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as servants for Jesus' sake.

II Corinthians 4:15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Galatians 5:13 You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.

I pray that God will allow me to continue to serve these children and that , unlike me, their hearts are never for a moment infested with the sin of self service, arrogance and envy. Let me only be His servant by serving others in all ways that I am capable.

The Pain Of The Cross

But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by His wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5.

The terms of the Cross that Christ bore. The Roman guards did not have to hog tie Christ to take Him to the Cross at Calvary. He walked, He bore His Cross upon His back and with His mangled, broken body He stumbled and drug that Cross through the streets of Jerusalem to a place outside the city of David. Up a hill called Golgotha, the tail of the Cross dragging in the dirt behind Him marking a line in the earth forever separating damnation from Salvation.

When the soldiers laid the Cross upon the ground to fix the man of Nazareth upon it they did not lay a hand upon Him. He lay himself on that rugged Cross and outstretched His hands allowing them to do their work.binding and nailing His flesh to the wood of the Cross. no one had ever been crucified willingly to atone for their transgressions, their crimes. Christ did willingly because He was a man of no crime and of no personal transgressions. He did so willingly because He was their that day, that moment in eternal history to pay the price for our sins, past, present and future. He had come to shed His blood to atone for us. It was the only way. God made that clear to Him in the Garden of Gethsemane when Christ asked His father in prayer, "Father, if there is any other way, take this cup from me". But there was no other way. The is no other way to accept that our sin debt has been cancelled by the shed blood of Christ than to be at the foot of the Cross letting His blood, His grace and mercy wash over us.

The Bible says on Luke 9:23 ²³ Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.That is why I go to the Cross daily. My pain drives me there because of the desperation and brokenness that wait for me away from the Cross cannot sooth my afflictions. I cannot be a Disciple of Christ anywhere except with the Cross. I cannot find comfort to endure another day except with the Cross. I can do nothing that Christ commands of me except with the Cross. The Cross is my comforter when I am in pain. The Cross is my shield when under attack. The Cross is my hope when I am weak. I pray that I am never not in need of the Cross.

The Cross is also the way to transcend from Discipleship to Disciple. The Apostles became Disciples of Christ because of the event of the Cross on Calvary. Before then they were students of The Christ. Never fully understanding the power and responsibility that the Cross would represent in their lives and in the life of everyone that has ever lived. On Calvary that day when Christ said "It is finished". He meant He had completed His Father's will. He had paid the price for all our Salvation. He had paid the debt of sin for all time and in the process He had made His apostles who had been in discipleship into disciples. The way for us today that choose to carry the Cross daily is the transition from discipleship to Disciple.

Discipleship To Disciple

In Maynards Sunday School class today Tim taught on the definition as well as the necessities needed to be in a state of discipleship. It was a very informative and for me, thought provoking lesson. At one point during class I raised my hand mainly because when I feel the Holy Ghost move in me, I cannot refuse Him. The point I was attempting to make was that (given our class is made of up mostly current or formerly broken and struggling people- me included) I felt compelled to say what was given to me to say. I just don't think I did a very good job of it. I haven't had a moments peace since. I still have the need to explain through the Spirit what my point was.

My objective was to include all the peoples in the class that have a backgroundd of addiction, infidelity, abuse, self harm, brokenness, hopelessness and especially the ones who are beginning their journey with Christ and are beginning in the discipleship journey with Christ. i wanted them to not forget their pasts. Never to forget where and what they come from and who it was that delivered them from that.

I believe that discipleship is the prelude to becoming a disciple. the apostles that followed Christ for three and a half years were in discipleship. Yes they had accepted as their Lord and Savior. Jesus even asked them"who do you think that I am"? Peter answered without hesitation"You are the Christ" Yet within a short time this same man in discipleship would deny he even knew Christ. The point being that  Christ's hand picked apostles that He took under tutelage never strayed far from bone headed behaviors. One day they were even fighting about who would be the greatest in heaven. I mean seriously, these guys were following the Christ. the raiser of the dead and healer of the crippled. the straightener of limbs the restorer of sight, the water to wine Christ and they reverted to being stupid in His presence. I say all this to help you put into perspective your prior lives. What I refer to as BC(Before Christ as the center of my life). It wasn't until Christ had died on the Cross for all sin, past, present and future and arose three days later and became transfigured that the ones in discipleship under Him became His Disciples.Even then one still had to look upon His nail scared hands and touch the wound in His side to graduate to Disciple.

So when does discipleship begin? No one is born saved.  Its often a prolonged period of time between you know who Christ is and 30 years later when you fully turn your life over to Him and begin Discipleship. So the question that was burning on my heart is what are we to instruct, lead and teach new discipleshippers to do with the years of "the sins of their choice", when now we are preparing them to become equipped to go forth and connect with others and share the good news of who and how their lives were changed, restored, healed and given an earthly purpose to serve others. Serve without expectations of any earthly dividends.

Obviously there has to be a familiarity between the disciple and the one in need. that's where my BC comes in. That's where all our BC's come in. That's what I was trying in such a pitiful way to express in class today. We all have a BC if we are Christ followers, in discipleship or have graduated to disciple. But the most valued tool to crack the ice with a hurting, helpless, hoplessly broken person is to establish familiarity . You can feel their pain and suffering. you can feel the hopelessness and despair of the addict. you can comprehend the rage of a young mother abandoned by their babies daddy. You can comfort those who weep because they feel they have done to many horrible acts nad all that is left is to take their own lives, That's why you all have BC's so that you can look them in the eye and say "I Know" "i have been their" I can share with you the only way that you can end your burden, addiction, rage, unforgiveness, the wrongs done to you, your despair, hopelessness and isolation". then you have fulfilled the words in the Bible, to paraphrase; God takes broken things and makes them for the good.

I had written a different version in my journal tonight but i couldn't sleep and the longer i laid there the more and more this was on my heart and mind. God uses all of us. All that we were, are and shall be to His glory. sometimes we seem to overlook the obvious or at least I do. Tell me what you think about all this. Love you Bye

Sermon On Myself

God is Good All The Time. This is what I know. I did not learn that in Sunday School. I learned it after a long time of figuring out what I already knew. I couldn't run fast enough from it. It hung over my head like a thundercloud.

Most of the time I was on auto-pilot. Automatically engaged in self pleasure, self pride, and a way to make the running stop and the thunderclouds of guilt and despair go away. That would be be drinking, drugs and chasing women. Knowing , whenever I thought about it, Jesus was standing right beside me, with that look. Looking straight in me. I knew the truth and i refused it. I could do this on my own. I felt confident that no matter what since I knew who Jesus was at age 12 I was ok, I'm going to heaven. As I look into the years that laid ahead of me. From today's perspective. I was bound for hell. Knowing who Jesus is aint't KNOWING Jesus. As Savior, Lamb, King.

Then the physical and psychological pain. I went through life bullet proof. I could do it. Then in my 30's, life struck. ended up broken physically so badly I could no longer walk and plagued with Hepatitis C and Cancer. All within 18 months. God? What God? The injuries and illness did multiple things to my life. I lost the hope of living. It stripped me of my manhood. I couldn't work, couldn't play, everybody had to pitch in and help me all the time. Humiliation. My pride and dignity as well as peace and hope did not exist. I cannot accurately describe what depression feels like. I laid in the bed and went from 250 pounds to 140 pounds in six months. I lost the will to live. I was gonna die and I was indifferent now. Indifference is a dangerous place to be when your hopeless. Anything bad could happen and most of the time it does.

Ever hear of a story in the Bible that a person, who undeserving of Grace is visited by Jesus and a miracle occurs to this wretched undeserving wretch.

Ever hear the story of the last desperate moment of the thief on the cross. How at the last possible moment. Breaths away from damnation, reaches in his self and believes Jesus. He'd had to heard of Jesus. Formed an opinion. But at that time obviously did not accept Jesus as his Messiah, the Son of Man. But i can tell you, desperation and fear make you think more clearly. your feelings are raw and heightened. the Truth exists in that desperation and clarity. It did for the thief. that day he entered Paradise at the explicit order and command of Christ Jesus. Not on a sunny day sitting on a hillside being evangelized by Christ. No, this was as Christ the Innocent Sacrifice was taking the sins that have ever existed or will ever exist upon His mangled body and into Himself to make a way for the thief and everyone that will ever accept the Truth. To acknowledge the Truth that rests in your guts. In your heart. In that place that has no anatomical description. In that moment the plan of Salvation was complete. Christ said so. He said it was done. now we get to look forward to seeing a thief with nail scarred hands greeting us at the door of heaven. He let a scumbag, thieving, killing human waste become the first in Paradise. That is for our benefit. Whoever you are. Whatever you've done. No matter how beaten and broken you are. and especially desperate and hopeless, we are eligible for Salvation just like the thief. Jesus didn't have to offer the thief Salvation, just the moment in history was enough. Just the close vicinity of their crosses made the difference. Just those few sentences established the relationship and Salvation was given by faith. Grace was born. What few sentences have you uttered to Christ today? You ain't like me. Didn't have all that stuff happen and you've got it all together. I wonder if the other thief thought the same thing till he got caught, sentenced and denied the Truth. His last chance too. Today. Now is the time for the people here that are on either cross to accept that gift of Salvation, Forgiveness, Hope, Peace, Wisdom and Purpose. Do it for the first time or pledge again to Christ your love and acceptance of His Sacrifice. His Salvation and promise of eternal life with Him in heaven. Its a blanket deal. Shouldn't nobody be in their seat unless you choose to be the thief that refused. If that's you you are the most important one here tonight. you are loved unconditionally. There is no accident or coincidence you are in a safe place surrounded by people who have been where you are now. No shame in Gods house No shame when we accept that Every Soul matters to God. Every Soul. Every one.

I spent 30 years living without Christ.Injure in 1995. Wheelchair bound. Then I was healed from Hepatitis C in 1998. I was cured of cancer in 1999. No recurrence of either since. I learned to walk after 6 years and two years of therapy. i can walk today. Been walking since 2003. not once did I consider turning my life over to Christ. The pain, the pain meds, the depresson. I was not well. I could go into the deaths of my Mom, my stepdaughter and suicide of my ex-wife but this wouldnt end there. I married again. Running from Truth. i lied and stole. to hide my weakness in handleing all these thing i covered it all up. or thought i did, My wife divorced me because i was a secret keeping, lieing, stealing drug addict and had very self destructive ways. In May 2005 I attempted suicide. I woke days later in the ICU. Jesus was there and I was nailed to a cross. he had captured my attention. No more running. No excuses about how much it hurts. I was desperate and hopeless and inside me the Truth sprang forth. I accepted Christ into my life. I was sober and had a purpose. I walked to the Christ based Men's rehab. Stayed a year. Graduated into a developing relationship with Christ. God put my ex and I togather again. It had to be Him because I wasn't looking for her. She said she had to see it to believe it. Eighteen months later pastor re-married us. i still am an addict but I have over five yearfs clean. my wife and I and the two kids are all Saved and Baptiszed. We love God and to Him give the Glory. There is a happy ending to all our stories that follow Christ. The end is known. Christ sealed that destiny on Calvary. Seal your destiny with Christ today.

Out of Darkness Into The Right

I have a friend. He is a really good guy except for his flaws that have developed over the years and now have come to to destroy his family, estrange his wife and children, place doubt in the hearts of the fence setters and generally follow the patteren of brokeness that either destroys our souls or perhaps even worse, obliterates our witness. Of course of all these things are of harm and despair, the truth is they are the product of sin and the darkness that accompanies the Dark One. This is where we meet Jesus. I have found in my life and through the lives of others that often to see the light you gotta be in a dark place. My friend has found his dark place and by God's mercy and grace he is also seeing the light of Christ as he begins a life long relationship with Jesus.

When I had spent a couple years with the Lord I finally understood. Either I am with Him or I am against Him. A few are called and without hesitation devote their moment to monent life to sharing the Gospel, loving the unloved and truley impacting all people that every soul matters to God.

I come in contact with alot of addicts that want to be former addicts. I know several friends that have walked with Christ on Sunday and drunk on Mondays. Ridicule is punching their ticket for the last train bound to hell. These created beings, our brothers, the most dynamic creation of Gods that we are aware of, envied by Fallen Angels (Demons) and hated by Satan. Who the Bible says seeks only to kill, steal, and destroy us. Why are we so terrifying to Satan that he and his minion joint purpose is to destroy the witness/ testimony of us Christ followers. Satan figured he can't sway us so he will compromise our witness. In doing so our testimony is impotent and words are feeble like an old womans command.

Whomever might read this in the future will think, : why that fella was a nut. flower carring, bald, robe wearing tree hugger. You know with media as it is today and so many diffrent methods of worshiping Christ. Traditions vary church to church, denomination, to denomination. The most ice breaking, hive soothing moment came for me early on at First Assembly NLR. I was given a word from God. I know, scares most folks, they cut and run. The smart ones look it up in the Bible. The uncomfortable spirit I had my first few services there added to the overwhelmed feeling of being like a little bitty fish on a great big hook. Then God removed the scales from my eyes as I entered in the sactuary for the third time and I knew. All these "holy rollin" folks and me came from the same DNA. We all was cut out to serve God and our brothers. NOT LESS THAN THAT, EVER. I was no longer intimidated by being in the presnce of the other people. Those folks, everyone of them, were hellbound at one moment in their lives and in the next they had a responsibility we hardly wrap our minds around.

My life never had purpose or value until the day I was finally empty of any purpose good or bad and my life was filled with a quickening and an unquestionable knowledge that ALL about our Christ is true. My regret is I waisted so much life and health and time, leading folks astray that I pray for the honor to serve God in His desired fashion. The words from God, "good job loving me" is all that I desire. I have come to know that in this place we live, there is no other calling, deportment, attitude, respect, or condition that has an all encompassing cure. !00% successs rate since the beginning to the end of time. It is the least risky, unnessesarily speculative gut feeling that we all have. The call of Jesus. The active and deliberate acceptance or denial of the greatest truth and honor bestoyed upon Man. To utter the word's I work, I live for you Lord. Thats the beginning of a beautiful love beween Creator and His creation.

I will go into why I think a third of the Angels and Satan hated us so badly that his pride could not allow him to worship God because, Envy, Pride and contempt filled the spirits of all that have fallen. Why, Why'd God go and make us if He knew it was just gonna be a failure? By selfless service, unconditional love, forgiveness, and it's all true whats in that ancient book called Bible. Yeah Right. But that's the perfect beauty. It is all and everything God and Jesus and the Spirit has promissed, guarenteed. Told stories of 1500 years before they happened and it all came true and is still the only truth, the only way.

I will leave this. The truth is in you. You know it is true. When God made us I think he put an ability in us to know His truth's. The bible says it is written in us. The moment in time for each of God's miracles always occurs at the exactly correct moment. Broken or not, God supplies our every need, my supernatural history with Christ is the unbreakable, unconditional love He has for me. That I can only respond with worship, adoration, praise and surrender to creater of the all. The significant reality that I and many others are Loved by God. We beat up the whole: who me? Saved< Forgiven< Innocent< Forgotten< Fertile, Hungry for Redeemption, Yearning to complete our purpose ; The Will Of God. Simple. Plain Instructions, Translated for the more Educated, Complete, without error, just one catch, Love the God who Loves You Unconditionally. Love your neighbor as yourself.

This Is Difficult

No matter how wealthy, powerful, pleased, proud and satisfied, you loose without God. We win. We have God.

How does that statement make you feel?

Every Soul Matters To God. Even his.

I was uncomfortable.

Somewhere in the Bible there's a part about being unmoved watching others never knowing Jesus. Something about not seeking to introduce the lost to Christ. Which is about the best way I can think of to worship and honor God. Service to God service to others. Service to God.

I have found that the desire to serve God does not ensure that we will be successful. I fail.
All the time. My desire is strong, the hard part for me how? I would love seeing a billboard on I-30 saying how to do it right in 30 days, 1-800-NO1Fail.

I am struggling. I am anxious, exhausted and sustained. I am in the position that I must trust Him to survive this.

I have never had elevated expectations of myself. I was and am , to a degree, still painfully shy, introverted, awkward. I had and have still low self esteem and struggle to find purpose. To know me ten years ago it would have been obvious. Today not so much. I struggle still but I have Jesus. The difference between fright, misery, and fear and knowing the Truth, Grace and Hope that relationship with Christ produces.

I've been a Christ follower for five years and a Christ "knower" since 1973. I was 12. I knew Jesus but to do all those things seemed impossible. Church was no fun. Every week i was going to hell. So I played so hard the other six days just in case I went to hell on the 7th. That's how I remember it anyways. The best part of Church was when the Preacher give that last long prayer I'd slip outta Mom, Dad and my pew and ease up to Grandma and Grandpa's. As soon as the preacher reached the front doors and said amen me and Grandpa split out the side door, get in his Doodle Bug as he called it and headed to Grandma's and his house. We was fixin to eat. This forced Mom and Papa to come too. Genius.

I have learned that the period of time between knowing the name of Jesus and following Jesus is often a long time . I wonder if there is purpose in that statistic? Is it possible that we are (for lack of a better word) numb to the extreme urgency which we are in simply because Jesus is just a word to us? To the others? How can we communicate or reveal the most real, pursuing danger, evil that seeks to destroy us that is effectively invisible to the very peoples we desire to reveal it to?

I have been trying to hang onto pride. The only way to lose my pride is to tell the truth about me. The most difficult part of faithful is in the moment. It is a battle and takes effort and I am weak. Once saw things about life a much different way than today. Today there is hope. I never knew what hope was it was till I run up on it. Never knew what to truly believe in anything until I saw the intervention of my God begin in my life and has never yet stopped. There is a seamless presence of God in my life. I believe. it is such a change from being who I was once.

I want so badly to tell to others exactly what God has done to my my life. I am not good at knowing how to do that. I mean there's the story. Its a long one. I told you God showed up in my poor, broken existence and He changed my world. Its the best story in the world to me cause its how I surrendered to Christ. Surrender daily is the key. Gotta have a gonna serve Christ attitude and God does the rest, guaranteed.

The Bible promises in Psalms 34:18 The lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. As for myself, that pretty much sums me up. The deeper I look in me the greater the need for Jesus. Then I find it harder to serve Him because of me. It seemed as at the very moment I began a life with Christ. It ain't like it was. Life has become a montage of obstacles, traps. snares, pitfalls, distractions, temptations and shinny things. It really is hard to see a great volume of of the presence and reverence to Christ when I stand and look around. Here there's the Slick and Polished for me. If I am committed to follow Christ, and I am struggling and the Bible tells us plainly that we should have expected it, read the Book. I figure most others are also.

Lord I feel pressured, inadequate and fearful. I need your help dealing with everything that has come against me. I know your word says I am . I love you. I worship you. My only desire is to serve you. I need that strength of Jesus today. I need your presence and peace.

First Things First

Earlier this morning I was setting in my chair. Beside my bookcase. Lots of books, file folders. memorabilia. The bookshelves contents were 99.2% Christian oriented items. Bibles, commentaries, dictionaries. Cute figurines with nice bible verses on them. The .8% left over goes to the weighty ball chromed out skull.It came on my cane. That's another story. A couple of years ago I went to several Narcotics Anonymous meetings in town. I really tried to hang with the message and the people. I kept looking for hope and the affirmation that Christ makes us successful in what he planned for us If we follow him. I got the vibe that it wasn't gonna happen around a lot of pissed off folks.. These were angry people. Whole lot of despair, anger, no victories. One night before I left the meeting I purchased a book. This morning I opened that book. On the inside cover of the book I had written several years ago, disheartened by not fitting in at those meetings. Hurting, angry and anxious. I wrote:

1. I am not God. Stop trying to act like it

2. I am unable to become the person he intended me to be without first, knowing and believing in

#1. Secondly I must shut up and listen for my Lords whisper that comforts me.

3. I must constantly be aware that because of the brokenness of and choices I have made I must

live a life in which my God's Grace is sufficient in all things. My choices will determine my

eternity. Jesus is with me.

4. The moment that I feel the "satisfaction", "pride" or an "anonymous victory" in my recovery,

my ability to effectively help another is lost Got to get that outta me o me.I have to

#1, #2, #3, and #4. Hit my knees on the floor. Pray and cry and groan. Submit

SUBMIT

myself as a willing and humbled sacrifice excited of the prospect of God's will coarsing

in me as I get to serve God Himself. I need "humbilization" before I go forward.

It was designed by God to be about the thems. It is ALL about Jesus. It is not about me. It is

all about being God's child. When I read the Bible there ain't nothing better.

5. Hardest part is to remain teachable. Its hard to admit shortcomings, inabilities and weakness.

Be humble. Live weak. I know where my strength comes from.

6. There is no coincidence I survived to live this day. God's Grace got me here. Don't waist it.